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Section 5
Command Phrases

Question 5 | Test | Table of Contents | Printable Page

Fourth counseling session—October 22nd

ELI, THERAPIST:   Okay, JACK, CLIENT, let’s go back to the anger model again, and talk about command phrases. . . what we tell ourselves about a situation.

JACK, CLIENT:  Sounds like self-talk, which I do a lot. Usually what I tell myself is negative.

ELI, THERAPIST:  Well, this time we have the power of decisions based upon knowledge, not knee—jerk reactions.

There are several categories of command language: withdrawal, outward, divert, internalize, and healthy.

Withdrawal is hiding from the threat, running away, or the inability to address the problem directly.

Withdrawal command phrases are expressed like this:

• "I can’t deal with this"
• "This is dangerous"
• "I’m being attacked"
• "Let me out of here"

JACK, CLIENT:  Like saying, "I’m out of here", or threatening to leave someone?

ELI, THERAPIST:  Exactly. Making threats you have no intention of carrying out, using them as a method to control others . . . for example, when couples use the threat of divorce to win the argument.

JACK, CLIENT:  You nailed me . . . guilty on that count.

ELI, THERAPIST:  The outward focus is directing the energy toward another person and becoming the aggressor.

Outward command phrases may sound like this:

• "I’ll show him"
• "You can’t push me around"
• "It’s not fair"
• "That #%@*$ jerk"
• "I hate him"
• I’ll show her"

Another command phrase tactic is changing the subject, or ignoring the attack.  This is attempting to divert, diffuse, or keep the energy from focusing.

Diverting command phrases often sound like this:

• "Can’t you take a joke?"
• "I was only kidding"
• "My stomach hurts"

JACK, CLIENT:  Oh, that is what she and I would do! We would make  jokes about one another that were hurtful, and when the other would complain, we’d say "I was  only kidding", or "What’s the matter with  you,  don’t you have a sense of humor?"  Actually, they were verbal barbs.  Were those expressions of anger?

ELI, THERAPIST:  What do you think?

JACK, CLIENT:   I think they were. We weren’t expressing our anger toward one another directly. Instead, we used this hurtful humor to express ourselves, throwing anger spears at one another.

ELI, THERAPIST:   Okay, the next category of command phrases is getting angry with you, resulting in self-abuse expressed as inner anger.

Self-abuse command phrases often take this form:

• "I’m wrong"
• "I’m no good"
• "I can’t do anything  right"
• "No one cares"
• "I always  screw up"
• "No one could love me"

JACK, CLIENT: Playing the victim, I’ve done that.

ELI, THERAPIST:  Did it work?

JACK, CLIENT:  I was a great victim, until now I could not understand why she said she lost respect for me. When she said that, it hurt  more than when she told me we were through.

ELI, THERAPIST:   So what you’re telling me, when you acted like a victim, she lost respect for you.

JACK, CLIENT:  She never put it in those  terms, and at that time I didn’t see it that way, but yeah, that makes sense.

ELI, THERAPIST:  Your being a victim drove your wife away?

JACK, CLIENT:  Yeah, that and my anger.  Sad isn’t it?

ELI, THERAPIST:  Very sad.

Now, contrast the first four categories of command language: withdrawal, outward, divert, and internalize with this last one, the healthy.

JACK, CLIENT: Healthy . . . that has a nice ring to it.

ELI, THERAPIST:    Yes, it’s something we all are striving for. In the midst of your worst day when you screamed at your daughter, you were really trying to do the right thing.

JACK, CLIENT:  I don’t quite believe you, but man, do I want to! Wait a minute, if I accept that I really was trying to do the right thing,  and then I would begin forgiving myself. Wow!

ELI, THERAPIST:  Good insight. Don’t reject that notion of self-forgiveness; allow it to bubble through your consciousness.

JACK, CLIENT: Pardon?

ELI, THERAPIST:  It’s an expression, but yeah, let it bubble through your thought process.

JACK, CLIENT:  I’m bubbling!

ELI, THERAPIST:  Okay, since we are now talking about healthy, when a person’s intellect is managing their emotions, as in "I over E", the reaction is different. There is a calmness tempered with understanding.

Healthy command phrases sound like this:
"Tell me more"
"I understand"
"Let’s talk about that"
"That must have upset you"

JACK, CLIENT:  Those sound so much more peaceful than the angry reactions. I was so good at.

ELI, THERAPIST:  Think about when President Kennedy was shot, or when the Challenger blew up, or 9-11?  You probably can remember what you were doing, where you were, and what was said when you heard about at least one of these tragic events.

JACK, CLIENT:  Sure can.

ELI, THERAPIST:  Most everyone can remember those traumatic events with great clarity. During 9-11, did you have strong emotions when you saw people jumping out of windows, the Twin Towers collapsing, and witnessing the fatigue on the firefighters’ faces?

JACK, CLIENT:  I can remember exactly what I was doing that morning.  Why is that?  And yeah, I had very strong emotions . . . anger, rage, shock, disgust were just a few.

ELI, THERAPIST:   Traumatic events create strong feelings and lead to emotional learning.  These strong feelings glue the experience forever into memory. We do not forget those events.  What happens to these command phrases you say to yourself in the heat of your anger?

JACK, CLIENT:  They are also "glued" into your memory. I love that, "glued" into memory. That’s rich.

ELI, THERAPIST:  Yes, they enter the unconscious mind as facts!

JACK, CLIENT:  Is that what you called emotional learning?

ELI, THERAPIST:  Exactly. Now go back to that terrible night you described to me when your daughter tried to sneak out. Do you recall what you told me you were feeling? I’ve written it down if you’d like me to recall it for you.

JACK, CLIENT:  Please do, I’d really like to forget that night . . . but I guess I can’t.

ELI, THERAPIST:  Let’s see . . . under the Mad feelings you were "angry, disapproving, enraged, furious, hostile, feeling rage, and under the other feelings you were "alarmed, fearful, frightened, horrified, hurt, burdened, disappointed, and in pain", sound right?
 
JACK, CLIENT:  Yeah.

ELI, THERAPIST:  Often when emotionally drunk we are . . . RUI . . . "Reacting under the Influence"!

JACK, CLIENT:  Oh, clever, not D U I —Driving Under the Influence but
RUI—Reacting Under the Influence. Yeah, I spent a lot of time there.

ELI, THERAPIST:  When you were RUI, what were you saying to yourself when you were so full of emotions?

JACK, CLIENT: Like self-talk?

ELI, THERAPIST:  Yes.

JACK, CLIENT: "She can’t do this to me!" "I’ll teach her to have no respect for me!" "She thinks she runs this family but she doesn’t!"

ELI, THERAPIST:   Let me write them into our model under the command phrase.

ELI, THERAPIST: All of these statements fit into the Outward Focus category.

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, and oh, one I just thought of . . . man, it’s hard to say. This hurts even to recall. I was thinking my wife to proud of me on how well I handled this. Remember, she had lost respect for me.

ELI, THERAPIST: You were handling this. . . Protecting your daughter, and expecting your wife would be pleased with what a good father you were?

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, sick wasn’t it. Man, until this moment, I never thought of that.

ELI, THERAPIST: Let me say it another way. Your best attempt to show love for your daughter and wife turned out disastrous.

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, neither felt love.

ELI, THERAPIST: How do you feel right now?

JACK, CLIENT: Sick . . . with lots of regret and shame. Hurt. Yeah, I feel hurt.

ELI, THERAPIST: Hurt and pain. Sometimes we have to understand it differently before we can allow healing to happen.

JACK, CLIENT: I guess the results are what I am experiencing now. Kind of like a hangover after being emotionally drunk.

ELI, THERAPIST: Well, said. So, using your hangover analogy, you now have a bad headache and are sick to your stomach with regret.

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, I look forward to that healing you promised, although I don’t see how they can forgive me or how I can forgive myself.

ELI, THERAPIST: Actually you are working on forgiveness right now.

JACK, CLIENT: I am? How?

ELI, THERAPIST: The forgiveness process has three parts. The first part is saying the words, admitting your error, and asking for forgiveness. The second part, and perhaps the hardest, is to be willing to listen to how your behavior affects the other person. That takes broad shoulders and not everyone is willing to endure that experience. I hope you have the opportunity to listen to them.

JACK, CLIENT: I would like that opportunity to make my amends, and I am now willing to listen to how my behavior made them feel. Yes, I’m ready. But you said I’m already working on forgiveness. How’s that?

ELI, THERAPIST: The third part of forgiveness, which you are working on, is to change behavior.

JACK, CLIENT: Making amends is not only saying the words but also being willing to listen, and then changing behavior.

ELI, THERAPIST: You’ve got it.

JACK, CLIENT: Simple, but not easy. Do you think they will listen to what I was feeling?

ELI, THERAPIST: They won’t until you listen to them, will they?

JACK, CLIENT: Did you think up this concept of the command phrases?

ELI, THERAPIST: No, they came from the book How to Solve Problems and Prevent Trouble, by Richard Wetherill.

JACK, CLIENT: Who came up with the "I over E" theory?

ELI, THERAPIST: I don’t know the author, but I learned the basics of it in a seminar. Over the years, I’ve added several parts to this model. When I read about the command phrases, they begged to be included in the model, so I borrowed them from Mr. Wetherill.

Okay, see you next week, JACK, CLIENT.

QUESTION 5
The next category of command phrases is getting angry with you, resulting in self-abuse expressed as inner anger. Self-abuse command phrases often take this form:
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