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Section 3
Fingers vs. Thumbs

Question 3 | Test | Table of Contents | Printable Page

Third counseling session — October 15th

JACK, CLIENT: Good morning, what’s in store for today?

ELI, THERAPIST: How did your homework work out? Did you use the "I over E" since our last session?

JACK, CLIENT: I thought about it . . . but only after I lost it.

ELI, THERAPIST: Tell me what happened.

JACK, CLIENT: I got so angry with my son. He stole about three hundred dollars from me.

ELI, THERAPIST: So you got angry.

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, don’t I have the right to get angry when someone steals from me?

ELI, THERAPIST: Just because we are learning to manage our emotions doesn’t take away our right to have emotions.

JACK, CLIENT: Well, I had all of them and then invented a few emotions of my own. I was so shocked and disappointed. When I found out what he had done, I changed the locks on the apartment.

ELI, THERAPIST: You made a statement to him that his behavior was not acceptable.

JACK, CLIENT: Is that what I did? I wanted to hit him.

ELI, THERAPIST: But you didn’t.

JACK, CLIENT: No.

ELI, THERAPIST: What made you think you "lost it"?

JACK, CLIENT: I was hollering and screaming, ranting and raving like a mad man. Then I remembered "I over E".

ELI, THERAPIST: And what happened then?

JACK, CLIENT: That’s when I calmed down and had the locks changed.

ELI, THERAPIST: So you didn’t use this model perfectly, you didn’t remember until after you "lost it".

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah.

ELI, THERAPIST: Jack, I think you had a successful learning experience. Often it’s when we fall down that we begin to learn. Isn’t that how you learned to ride a bike . . . by falling down?

JACK, CLIENT: Well, I guess you’re right because after that incident, every time I started to lose it, your voice popped into my mind and I could hear you saying, "I over E". . . "I over E". . . "I over E". And it was just as you said with that little saying, I could now choose whether I wanted to lose it or not! Amazing!

ELI, THERAPIST: Good, I am glad it worked for you.

JACK, CLIENT: I also realized that this technique is good for managing any emotion, not just anger.

ELI, THERAPIST: You got it.

JACK, CLIENT: Where did this T.I.E. Anger Management System come from?

ELI, THERAPIST: I believe the basic format came from a Divorce Adjustment Seminar I attended in Houston, Texas. Where they got it I don’t know. I’ve modified and added to it over the years.

JACK, CLIENT: Where does T.I.E. mean?

ELI, THERAPIST: Oh, my friend Bill Schulenberg thought up that name. It stands for: "Think I over E as in T.I.E.

JACK, CLIENT: I feel much more empowered. Now I can make this anger thing work for me instead of against me.

ELI, THERAPIST: You are much more powerful when managing your emotions. Today, we are going to work on: Half the battle of life.

JACK, CLIENT: Excuse me?

ELI, THERAPIST: This one sentence I’m about to give you, contains a technique that helps people achieve a successful life, all this in one short sentence.

JACK, CLIENT: That’s a promise I’d like to see you fulfill.

ELI, THERAPIST: There is a little catch, however.

JACK, CLIENT: I thought as much.

ELI, THERAPIST: The catch is . . . you’ll have to change. You’ll have to incorporate this little sentence, or mantra, into your thinking, and live the message as part of your coping skills, if you want the full benefit.

JACK, CLIENT: Okay, I’m game.

ELI, THERAPIST: Here’s the sentence . . . drum roll please . . .

JACK, CLIENT: Rat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat.

ELI, THERAPIST: "My Life Will Change When I Change."™ Although I was not the first person to make that statement, I thought it summed up my life’s motto so well that I had it trademarked.

JACK, CLIENT: Really?

ELI, THERAPIST: Not that I wanted exclusive rights to that coping skill, I just wanted to market the life changes I advocated under a unifying statement.

JACK, CLIENT: It is a powerful statement.

ELI, THERAPIST: That little sentence is at least one-half of the battle of life. And as in most simple concepts, there is a great deal of hidden depth within the application. In the mental health field, the definition of this concept is known as "Locus of Control".

ELI, THERAPIST: A person with an external "Locus of Control" thinks their success and their happiness is somewhere outside of themselves. All romantic notions are predicated on some prince in shining armor, or a fair damsel, will bring us the happiness we seek. As wonderful as this person may be, no other human being can bring us happiness.

When we find a wonderful person who makes us happy, we marry them, and live happily ever after, right?

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, right!

ELI, THERAPIST: And this happiness happens just like our culture promises . . . for a while anyway . . . then reality sets in!

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, I know about reality. My roommate, John Williams, is a songwriter and one of his lyrics is, "When reality hits, it’s not always what we want it to be." I know I did not make my wife happy, yet I think that she married me because she thought I would make her happy.

ELI, THERAPIST: That is not uncommon. In fact, I would say it is true in most cases. Were you ever able to make your wife happy?

JACK, CLIENT: I did for the first three days of our marriage, and then reality set in. I failed and she got angry, and then stayed angry for twenty years.

ELI, THERAPIST: That is a long time. At the beginning of our discussion, didn’t you take all the blame for the breakup of the marriage?

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, I did. Just as she thought, I should make her happy.

Now that I think about it, I assumed that was my job . . . to make her happy. I got irritated when I disappointed her, and then she got angry, so I got angry. Kind of screwed up, weren’t we?

ELI, THERAPIST: Until we step back and look at the system we’re in, it’s very hard to see what is happening. Screwed up? I’d say your pattern is unfortunately all too normal. We humans are locked into these patterns of expectations and disappointments. And whom do we attack if they don’t come true?

JACK, CLIENT: The people we love the most . . . I know that answer!

ELI, THERAPIST: When the happily-ever-after fairy tale explodes, Prince Charming and the Fair Damsel come to me for marriage counseling . . . often too late. Boiled down, their basic complaint is that "He is not making me happy." Or, "She is not living up to my expectations of the magical bliss her feminine wiles so promised." They point at one another and declare, "Not fair. This person I married is not making me happy!"

They don’t use those particular words, but underneath many matrimonial discords are these exact thoughts.

JACK, CLIENT: You’ve hit the nail on the head.

ELI, THERAPIST: I am labeling this behavior "finger pointing". It happens when we look outside of ourselves, pointing the finger and shifting the blame. Their finger pointing is a perfect example of an "External Locus of Control". With this mindset, their happiness is invested outside of themselves in someone else.

JACK, CLIENT: We did a lot of finger pointing!

ELI, THERAPIST: Easy to do. Another way of saying that is "taking someone else’s inventory".

JACK, CLIENT: Like saying, "You know what your problem is . . . !"

ELI, THERAPIST: Good example. We bring our empty bucket of unmet needs to another and expect them to fill it. As wonderful as this person may be, they are inadequate to fill our empty bucket. They can dash some water in it, or sprinkle in a few raindrops, but they are incapable of filling that bucket.

We had these expectations of how wonderful life was going to be and that failed to be realized.

JACK, CLIENT: I tend to get down on myself when I fail.

ELI, THERAPIST: Do you see yourself as making a mistake, or do you see it as being a mistake?

JACK, CLIENT: Oh, I see that I am a mistake, but maybe that is really not correct, is it?

ELI, THERAPIST: There is a big difference between the two, as divergent as the difference in being sad and happy.

JACK, CLIENT: That makes sense. I expected to make her happy, she expected me to make her happy, and when I did not, I saw myself as a failure, and she certainly saw me as a failure.

ELI, THERAPIST: One of the wonderful sayings found in 12- Step programs is "Expectations are resentments under construction!"

JACK, CLIENT: That’s a good one.

ELI, THERAPIST: And how do we express our dissatisfaction . . . this pervasive feeling of unrequited needs?

JACK, CLIENT: With anger of course!

ELI, THERAPIST: That is a normal reaction and we often express this as destructive rage.

The opposite of finger pointing is looking at us! Turning it around and pointing our thumbs at ourselves. This is an "Internal Locus of Control" as in, "My Life Will Change . . .
When I Change." ™ This paradigm shift from external to internal, from finger pointing to thumb declaration is the hardest work we have to do. However, like most hard work, it is incredibly rewarding. I call this "Thumb Work".

JACK, CLIENT: So, Finger Work creates resentment and Thumb Work makes changes, right?

ELI, THERAPIST: Well said. Now think of a person you have conflict with. Get someone firmly in mind. For most of us, that is easy to do.

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, I’ll focus on my ex-wife. She certainly fits the description of "difficult".

ELI, THERAPIST: So, we’ll label her a "difficult person". Now, what would happen if you changed this label?

JACK, CLIENT: Changed it to what?

ELI, THERAPIST: Changed your description of this "difficult person" to . . . "your teacher"?

JACK, CLIENT: Seeing the Wicked Witch of the West as my teacher?

ELI, THERAPIST: Yes, what would happen if you were to make this change and start seeing this so-called difficult person as someone who has something to teach you? Would there be a shift in your attitude?

JACK, CLIENT: My "ex" as my teacher? Yeah, if I made that change, I would see our relationship differently.

ELI, THERAPIST: Would you have come in to see me if your relationship with her had not turned out like it did?

JACK, CLIENT: No, certainly not, I would not have come to counseling otherwise.

I guess you could say I was desperate when I walked through your door.

ELI, THERAPIST: If she had not been the person she was, and if the breakup did not hurt so much, would you be here today?

JACK, CLIENT: No, it took the breakup to open my eyes.

ELI, THERAPIST: Very good, JACK, CLIENT . . . Well, it’s all the time we have for today . . . See you next week.

Focus on Thumbs,
not Fingers

QUESTION 3
How do we express our dissatisfaction . . . this pervasive feeling of unrequited needs?
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