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Section 2
The Guiding Force of Emotions

Question 2 | Test | Table of Contents | Printable Page

Second counseling session—October 7th

JACK, CLIENT: Okay, Eli, Therapist I’m back . . . ready to get my head shrunk!

ELI, THERAPIST: Glad to have you back . . . and contrary to popular beliefs, I do not shrink heads.

JACK, CLIENT: I know you don’t . . . just had to get my jab in early. What are we going to learn today?

ELI, THERAPIST: Here is another simple yet profound idea. If someone else is angry, do you have to be angry?

I spent 20 years in a marriage where every time she got angry, I did too. As obvious as it seems on this side of discovery, I did not know that I had a choice to get angry or not when she did.

JACK, CLIENT: Me too! When she got angry, I did too.

ELI, THERAPIST: Now for the second part of that sentence I wanted d to give you.

Your feelings do not lie to you was the first part.

To help us with the second part, try to remember a situation like this. Most people don’t remember an exact instance of this, but all say they have had this experience. Have you ever had a friend that you got into an argument with, had hard feelings toward them, stomped away, and then did not speak to that person for a few days?

JACK, CLIENT: Of course.

ELI, THERAPIST: Did you later discover that what you got mad about really didn’t happen as you first thought?

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah.
ELI, THERAPIST: Okay, when you got angry with your friend, your feelings of hurt and anger did not lie to you. However, those feelings were based upon a false thought.

Okay, the complete sentence I want you to have is: "Your feelings do not lie to you . . . however, they may be based upon one of three premises: (1) a false thought, something that is not true (2) something that is true, or (3) sometimes more information is needed."

In order to put the first and second part of the sentences together, you must understand that it is the thoughts that are driving the emotion . . . as shown in Exhibit VI. When using this sentence with our model, we can now judge our thoughts. Are they true? Are they false? Or do I need more information?

JACK, CLIENT: That answers my question about your feelings not lying to you.

Your feelings are true but the problem comes from thoughts that are not true. Using my example, if I feel confident, but if the thought providing that confidence is incorrect then that confidence is false and unrealistic.

ELI, THERAPIST: Great. Once we understand what emotion(s) we are feeling, then they become our guides to recognize what thought(s) caused us those feelings.

JACK, CLIENT: I follow you.

Your feelings do not lie to you;
however, they may be based upon a false thought,
or a true thought, or based upon incomplete information.

ELI, THERAPIST: When using this technique, the emotions are the guide to discovering the thought driving the emotion. This allows decisions based upon logic and intellect instead of raw emotion. Just wallowing in feelings is being emotionally drunk. However,

if we acknowledge and identify the emotions, they can return us to the thoughts that are creating the emotions.

A person’s internal radar set is working when their emotions guide them back to the thoughts creating the emotions. Thoughts are the home of logic where better decisions are made.

JACK, CLIENT: So I can use my radar set to guide me?

ELI, THERAPIST: Exactly. Now let’s go back to that episode of your daughter sneaking out. What thoughts were driving that intense feeling of fear you had? Why were you afraid?

JACK, CLIENT: Well, she’s a young kid, a girl, sneaking out in the middle of the night, to what I haven’t a clue, but I can imagine. I’m guessing there was some boy involved.

I was trying to protect her. I thought if I could scare her, then maybe she wouldn’t want to sneak out like that.

ELI, THERAPIST: When I first asked you about your feelings concerning that night, if you remember, you said "disrespect"?

JACK, CLIENT: And you said to ignore it for a while.

ELI, THERAPIST: Now it is time to add it to your list of thoughts. Did you think your daughter sneaking out was disrespectful of you?

JACK, CLIENT: Yes, most definitely.

ELI, THERAPIST: So, while your thoughts were about her getting hurt and wanting to protect her, you also thought she was disrespecting you.

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, that’s it.

ELI, THERAPIST: Challenge those thoughts: were they true thoughts, false thoughts, or did you need more information?

JACK, CLIENT: They are all true.

ELI, THERAPIST: Once the emotions have guided you to your thought, you can challenge and judge your thoughts. When this is occurring, you have arrived at "I over E", Intellect over Emotions. Your rational mind is now managing your emotions. You are not emotionally drunk and reacting. You can now know what thoughts were driving your feelings.

JACK, CLIENT: So . . . our emotions can guide us to the thoughts that are the driving force of our behavior.

ELI, THERAPIST: Well said.

JACK, CLIENT: Looking at the T.I.E. Model, I think I could have reacted differently if my rational mind were in control. (See Exhibit VI)

ELI, THERAPIST: Most people have the same realization.

Anger Management Model Exihibit VI

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ELI, THERAPIST - continue: When you are in your rational mind, you are able to challenge your thinking. You can ask, "Is this thought true? Is it false? Do I need more information?"

"Is the thought that my daughter could face unknown dangers sneaking out at night a true thought, a false thought, or do I need more information?"

JACK, CLIENT: I think my thoughts on that night were absolutely true!

ELI, THERAPIST: Now you can decide what to do about it. In your rational mind, you have the ability to make calm and well thought-out choices. When emotionally drunk you often act on impulse and the results are, at best, suspect.

JACK, CLIENT: "Suspect?" You have a gentle way of saying I screwed up . . . completely overreacted!

ELI, THERAPIST: Are you sometimes too hard on yourself?

JACK, CLIENT: Most of the time. And usually I deserve it!

ELI, THERAPIST: Are you now "emotionally drunk" about yourself? \

JACK, CLIENT: Own! That hurts . . . but it’s true.

ELI, THERAPIST: In our rational minds, we can now challenge our thoughts. Just then, what feeling did you have about yourself?

JACK, CLIENT: Anger, bitterness, disgust, contempt, hate, you want more?

ELI, THERAPIST: What thoughts are driving that hate? What is the hate based upon?

JACK, CLIENT: I’m a no good SOB! I screwed up my marriage, screwed up my kids, I’m worthless . . .I can’t do anything right!

ELI, THERAPIST: Let’s challenge that. What part of screwing up your marriage is true?

JACK, CLIENT: She left me, didn’t she? I must be worthless, discarded trash! That’s what she thinks, that’s what I think.

ELI, THERAPIST: In the light of day, were all the problems of your marriage your fault? Were you, alone, responsible for the negativity your children received?

JACK, CLIENT: Of course it wasn’t my entire fault, but I’m the man in the family, and I should have handled it differently.

ELI, THERAPIST: Therefore, what is bothering you is the way you handled it.

JACK, CLIENT: Yeah, my behavior.

ELI, THERAPIST: If you had to do it over again, would you have done it the same way?

JACK, CLIENT: No, of course not.

ELI, THERAPIST: Now that you are in your rational mind and you can make a better determination, ask yourself: "What part of this problem is mine and what do I need to work on? What part is someone else’s problem, and what part are they responsible for changing?"

When you do that, it allows you to have the freedom . . . the freedom to change.

JACK, CLIENT: I think I get it. Get out of being emotionally drunk . . . towards myself . . . and instead get into my rational mind. When I am emotionally sober, I can make decisions based upon facts and not emotional reactions.

ELI, THERAPIST: "Boom goes the dynamite!"

JACK, CLIENT: Funny! Where did that come from?

ELI, THERAPIST: Will Smith, the actor, say it when he made a mistake; I think it sounds kind of cool.

JACK, CLIENT: "Boom goes the dynamite" . . . sounds like my anger explosion!

ELI, THERAPIST: The three parts of this model are as follows; Feeling, Thoughts, and Action.

What am I feeling? What thoughts are driving those feelings? What am I going to do about it?

Let me tell you a couple of stories about "I over E". A young man who came to see me had stolen a jet ski, and his parents thought it would be a good idea if he had some counseling before appearing before the judge. One of the topics we worked on was this exact model. The judge sentenced him to thirty days in the juvenile justice system. After his release, he came back to see me and told me this story.

He said that for most of his life, his coping skills could best be described as "E over I"—emotionally drunk. He knew, in the juvenile facility his poor coping skills would cause him more
problems that he did not want.

Instead of his normal emotionally drunk behavior, when confronted by potentially destructive emotions and reacting in an emotionally drunk manner; he repeated this phrase to himself again and again: "I over E" . . ."I over E" . . ."I over E". That mantra was successful for that young man, and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you used it as your reminder not to become emotionally drunk.

JACK, CLIENT: If I just say it over and over, will it really work?

ELI, THERAPIST: It has worked for many others. Here is the other story; a couple came to me because of anger issues with their son. In their first visit, I found out that Mom had an anger problem as

well as Dad. Junior learned it from two experts! I made an appointment with Dad on a Thursday and scheduled Junior on

Friday afternoon. In Dad’s session, we worked on the "I over E" model.

The next morning I got a phone call from Dad. That night,
Junior had pitched one of his famous temper tantrums, physically attacked his mother, and was arrested for his behavior. As Dad described how out of control his son was, and that his wife was right in the middle, he told me that he was amazingly calm . What kept him calm was repeating the mantra to himself, "I over E". That simple saying worked wonders for him!

Later that afternoon when I visited with Junior, I showed him this same model, and then asked, "Do you think, "I over E", will work for you? In his seventeen-year-old wisdom, he said, "No!"

I said, "Last night was rough for you."

He responded with, "Yeah, I didn’t mean to hurt my mother, but she made me so mad!" As he described this incident, his pent up emotions kicked in and he got angry all over again.

When I asked what his mother was doing, he said, "She was in my face, yelling, and I was hollering back".

When I asked him what Dad was doing, a strange look came over his face. Junior replied, "He was calm!"

"Oh, so he was calm?" I reiterated "And is he usually like?"
Junior was again animated and said, "Oh, he’d be in my face, yelling, pushing me . . . just daring me to hit him."

I asked, "Do you know what he was thinking then?"

He said, "No, what?"

I said, "He was thinking . . .’I over E’"!

A smile of recognition came over his face and let loose with a big smile. He finally got it.

So JACK, CLIENT, this simple little formula works when it is used. You always have the ability to be "emotionally drunk". However, when you can add "I over E" to your emotional toolbox, now you have another choice.

JACK, CLIENT: Wow, so it really does work!

ELI, THERAPIST: It worked for that family. Nine months later, I had the occasion to ask Dad if he was still emotionally sober. He grinned and said, "Yes, sober . . . although I had a few buzzes!"

JACK, CLIENT: Emotional buzz, I live with a perpetual emotional buzz!

ELI, THERAPIST: I hope you now know you have a choice. Do you want to live with an emotional buzz or be emotionally sober? It’s your choice.

JACK, CLIENT: I’ve been emotionally drunk for over forty years, I think I’ll try being emotionally sober for the next forty. When I’m eighty then I can decide which worked better for me!

ELI, THERAPIST: One last story: A client who works for a building supply store said that on a frustrating day, with many more customers than salespeople, he was at the register besieged with a myriad of different demands. He was quietly saying aloud to himself "I over E" . . . "I over E" in his attempt to stay emotionally sober.

A puzzled customer looked at him and asked, "Instrumentation over Electrical?" My client laughed to himself, and then said, "Yeah, I’m hoping we have a big sale in those departments".

JACK, CLIENT: Many people seem to be getting benefits from "I over E." I sure hope I do.

ELI, THERAPIST: You will.

JACK, CLIENT: So in reality this technique is not just for anger management. It can be used for all feelings?

ELI, THERAPIST: Absolutely. Recently, a client told me of her irritation toward her aging mother when her mom repeated herself. We put this experience through this same model and discovered that under the feeling of irritation, this woman was feeling fear. Once she understood it was fear driving her irritation, she then discovered the thought causing the fear. She realized it was when her mother showed her age, she knew someday soon she was going to lose her mother, her mother was going to die. That thought scared her. Her irritation was really a misdirected expression of love that came out as irritation and impatience toward her mother.

JACK, CLIENT: I guess that is like the Nazi nurturing you talked about, having loved come out in hurtful ways.

I can see my time is up for today. But before I go, I’m going to give myself a homework assignment and try this "I over E" tool. See you next week.

ELI, THERAPIST: I look forward to hearing how it turns out.

We are as sick as our secrets.
12- Step slogan

QUESTION 2
The three parts of T.I.E. Anger Management model are as follows;
To select and enter your answer go to Test.

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