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Communication Magic & Hiding Pain -
Using Visualizations & Reframing as Insight Tools
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the previous section, we discussed how the "Great Catch's" reconstruction
of reality created a tool of blame to erode his partner's self-esteem.
and the next three sections... we will discuss nine rationalized responses the abused uses
to stay with their Great Catch.
way to increase your client's awareness of their partner's reconstruction of reality is to assist them in exploring the Rationalizations they use for the verbal abuse.
In a minute I will discuss Kay's use of rationalizations as a defense mechanism with which she explained and justified Roger's actions as a means to make them
acceptable to her. However, as you know, the abusers actions are unacceptable
at a deeper psychological level.
Rationalized Responses we will explore are:
1. Communication Magic
2. Hiding Pain
3. He Doesn't Mean It
4. I Am Too Sensitive
5. The Good
Outweighs the Bad
6. Fighting Fire with Fire
7. The Yo-Yo Syndrome
8. The Money Trap and
9. Breaking of Family Values
#1: Communication Magic
Communication Magic is the rationalization that getting
the "Great Catch" to see her side of the situation will make him approve
of her. Kay, a 29-year-old secretary, stated, "I've tried for a long time
to get Roger to understand my good intentions." Kay believed Roger would
stop controlling and verbally abusing her if she could only explain her motivations
concept of this magical communication is illustrated through Kay's belief that,
as Kay stated it, "Roger will magically stop saying those hurtful things
once he knows my good intentions." Kay believed that through intense study
and observation of Roger, she would discover how to express herself in exactly
the right way so Roger would truly and at last fully understand her.
said, "I have given up everything: my friends, visits with relatives, my
all the things I love, just to stop Roger's anger and please him.
I want him to be happy so badly. For weeks, I would do everything to please him
and agree with him. I worked so hard in hopes that he would cheer up and one day
say, 'I don't know what came over me. You're so wonderful!'"
stated my observation to Kay and said, "It sounds like you feel one person
can make another person happy. It sort of sounds like to you happiness is like
a little seed you can take from within yourself and put it in someone else."
♦ Technique: Garden Visualization
I found the following visualization to be helpful. I asked Kay, "But what
if Roger doesn't want your seed of happiness, or what if his garden is constantly
washed over with rain or in a constant drought?" Over the course of several
sessions Kay's rationalizations for excusing Roger's behavior began to fall apart.
As she began to view her search for a magical form of communication on her part
that would bring the understanding from Roger that she needed.
#2: Hiding Pain
The second rationalization for staying in an abusive relationship;
in addition to magical communication is Hiding Pain. Jeannie, a 52-year-old retired
school teacher said, "If I show my pain, Ralph knows that he is really getting
to me. Then he increases his criticism of my cooking, housekeeping, and everything
else. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me hurt." In a
later session Jeannie stated, "I was so proud of myself for being such a strong woman. I'd tell myself that I wasn't like those poor victimized women who'd
whine and cry to their husbands all the time."
would be your next step if Jeannie was your client? Here's what I did. As you
can see clearly Jeannie was rationalizing her behavior by stating the virtues
of hiding her pain. I asked Jeannie, "Do you honestly believe that he doesn't
already know that you are hurt by what he says. By not responding, you let him
know that he is free to continue to criticize you, since there is no negative
consequence for his actions. In short, in his mind, his criticism works."
♦ Technique: Reframing Rationalizations
the course of several sessions, I reframed Jeannie's rationalization by exploring
the following that
"By pretending the controlling abusive behavior is
harmless, you give Ralph no motivation to change." Have you found, like I
have, that the more your client numbs herself from the pain, the more she loses
her incentive to take action?
It's sort of like putting on several layers of clothes
and a big fur coat to face the blizzard of their "Great Catch's" criticism.
The greater the blizzard the more layers of clothes they put on to hide their
pain. Somewhere buried under all those layer s of rationalizations is a person
in a great deal of pain. Through a series of sessions can you see your client's
layers of hidden pain peel away?
n "Communication Magic" the victim of the abuse rationalizes that her "Great Catch" will magically stop saying hurtful things once he understands what about her? To select and enter your answer go to .