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In the last section, we discussed the importance of forgiveness
and "letting go" in order to achieve happiness.
this section, we will examine how living in the present is vital to deflating your
holiday let down.
Your judgment, agitation, and mental chatterso common to your experience comes from excessive interest in the past and
future, but perhaps not in the present. Do you agree?
Another word for quiet is
"now." Can you guess what one thing keeps you from feeling calm and
effective in the present? It begins with an "A" and the word is anxiety.
Think for a moment. Do you feel you're not living in past pain and fearing the
future? Are you truly in the present moment in your car or at home listening to
this CD, what will you actually find there? If you have spent a lifetime, not
just this past Christmas season avoiding looking at something, you may be tempted
to conclude that there must be a good reason for not being present in the moment.
yourself, mentally, are you in the habit of oscillating between a state of
anxious anticipation and small discouragements; sort of like waves that break
against a beach accomplishing little and then turning back on themselves. Think
about a situation that happened over this past holiday season. Let's go back to
the gift you gave your sixteen year old daughter discussed in a previous section.
What is your gift that you gave or action you took that was not received in the
ideal way you had it painted in your mind.
Does the word martyrdom perhaps come
to mind? Or else did you pursue something that when you actually got it, like
the perfectly color coordinated bow for the package, the perfectly constructed
toy for your child, or the perfect chocolate chip cookie for Christmas morning,
did you feel that something was really missing and that even though, to you, it
turned out perfectly and the bow, the toy or the cookie were without any real
significance and enduring satisfaction?
Do you sort of feel like through this
entire holiday season you were rushing after something like the waves only to
turn away and rush after something else? Only the form of what you are chasing
after varies but the basic pattern remains undisturbed. It's almost as if we are
acting like anything, anything at all is preferable to remaining mentally in the
present. Be in the past, be in the future, but don't be in the now.
life makes contact with us at the point known as the now. So what does that sentence
mean? Our life makes contact with us at the point known as the now.
the degree that your thoughts are lost in past regret and in future scheming, is the degree that you are missing out on what is happening to you this minute
as you listen to this CD. Look outside your car window or around the room in which
you sit. Feel present to what you see, hear, smell and can touch with your hand.
That is the present.
So what's the big deal you might say? The big deal is it
is only in the present in which you can only feel happiness. For today for this
moment what would happen if you decided to release your past pain from the last
couple months? Not all, just as much as you can. And not forever, just for a few
♦ Technique: Release the Situation
Think of a past unhappiness; now envision it perhaps floating away or
however you would release it. Maybe open and close your hand, maybe say release,
release. Some people are visual others are tactile, others are auditory.
If not, try it again, think
of the situation, the person, the circumstances; then, release just a little,
not all and just for a few seconds, either visually, tactilely or auditorily.
If you are a visual person, perhaps view the whole scene floating up into the
air like smoke and drifting off into the sky;
If you are a tactile person, squeeze
one of your hands closed and envision the situation in one of those hands, then
open your hand;
If you are an auditory person, say to yourself or out loud, "I release this situation."
that said, do you feel ever so subtly a shift inside regarding that person or
event that happened over the last couple of months?
will you enjoy your child? When will you be truly present to hear a friend or
significant other? When will you roll down your car window, ever so slightly if
it's cold outside, to feel a breeze passing over your cheek? Will there finally
come a meal in which you will taste, really taste your food? Just where are you
going anyway? All you will ever discover about the future is that it remains the
future just as the past will always stay behind you not with you. With these thoughts
in mind, do you ever feel like you're missing some things of real value by continually
mulling over past pains and fussing over future plans?
♦ Living in the Present Where
is happiness found? You probably guessed it. Happiness is found in the present.
Happiness is a feeling, right? You can only feel in the present right now this
second what you feel. Obviously what I'm talking about may take a certain amount
of uncomfortable effort on your part to walk past your ordinary way of doing things.
Yet once you decide to focus on the present, not all the time of course, but every
now and then, your thoughts, ideas and awareness become clear. The martyrdom,
testiness, and suffering from the holidays only have the power that you give them.
All you have to do is decide to begin.
Or perhaps you're one
of the quite fortunate people who perhaps have experienced a narrow escape from
death in which you suddenly see the importance of opening your mind and emotions
to the present and for a time you were transformed. Or maybe a minor occurrence,
a near miss. A child darts in front of your car, you swerve and they are missed
and you think, "If I had left my house two seconds earlier I would have hit
that child." Thus, you count your blessings. How many seconds did that last?
Could you ever say the following sentence to yourself and
honestly mean it? And I'll repeat it twice. People do not have to behave themselves
for me to love them and be happy. People do not have to behave themselves for
me to love them and be happy.
♦ 3-Step "Letting Go
of the Past" Technique
Now, to help live in the present, let's try this exercise
I call "Letting Go of the Past". I believe this exercise will aid you
in realizing how much you define yourself by your past and will help you in releasing
it to make your life more full and happy in the present.
1. Make a list of three situations in which you felt some emotion you're terming
as negative, for example, you felt embarrassed, ashamed, angry, hurt, annoyed,
etc. over this past holiday season. Number these experiences. Experience number
one, experience number two, and experience number three. 2. Now, make a separate
list on a different sheet of paper. Place the number 1 at the top, 2 in the middle,
and 3 towards the bottom of the left-hand margin. corresponding to the numbers
on your first list, write down what you learned from your experience or some positive
aspect of that situation that you could not see at the time and possibly could
have a positive effect on who you are today. 3. Now take the first list of
three negative experiences and destroy. Don't just throw it away. Tear it up,
burn it, make a paper snowflake out of it. Whatever you feel is the best way for
you to let go of those three negative holiday ghosts of the past.
you have left now is your second list, right? The list of positive aspects that make you, you. Concentrate on that list, because this is a catalog of who
you are in the present, right now. Be that person that uses the knowledge from
your encounters for to act as building blocks to formulate positive mental filters,
replacing the old negative ones. Do you see how selectively changing your perception
changes your feelings about that past wound and not the person or the circumstances
that create your reality.
In this section, we discussed how living
in the present is vital to an enduring happiness. You were provided with the letting
go of the past exercise
In the next section, we will examine
the importance of gaining a personal awareness of a crisis situation through "stopping"
and "starting" or something I will call "pausing between the pearls."
Characteristics, Correlates, and Outcomes of Childhood and
Adolescent Depressive Disorders
- Rao, U. and Chen, L. (2009). Characteristics, Correlates, and Outcomes of Childhood and
Adolescent Depressive Disorders.
Peer-Reviewed Journal Article References:
Bardeen, J. R., & Fergus, T. A. (2020). Emotion regulation self-efficacy mediates the relation between happiness emotion goals and depressive symptoms: A cross-lagged panel design.Emotion, 20(5), 910–915.
Brady, E. U., & Kendall, P. C. (1992). Comorbidity of anxiety and depression in children and adolescents.Psychological Bulletin, 111(2), 244–255.
Cetinkol, G., Bastug, G., & Ozel Kizil, E. T. (2020). Poor acceptance of the past is related to depressive symptoms in older adults.GeroPsych: The Journal of Gerontopsychology and Geriatric Psychiatry. Advance online publication.
Felsman, P., Verduyn, P., Ayduk, O., & Kross, E. (2017). Being present: Focusing on the present predicts improvements in life satisfaction but not happiness.Emotion, 17(7), 1047–1051.
Kang, Y., & Gruber, J. (2013). Harnessing happiness? Uncontrollable positive emotion in bipolar disorder, major depression, and healthy adults.Emotion, 13(2), 290–301.
Yang, F., Knobe, J., & Dunham, Y. (2020). Happiness is from the soul: The nature and origins of our happiness concept.Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. Advance online publication.
3 Where is happiness found? To select and enter your answer go to Test.