Because
of early social pressure to be “good girls” and “little ladies,”
women get the message that being confrontational isn’t acceptable. Often
in a negotiation, women hear their inner voice say “Speak Up,” but many
squelch these messages because of upbringing and the early lesson discouraging
complaint. Women have been socialized to avoid verbal confrontation more than
men and to speak more politely.
Everyone
is susceptible to these basic differences between men and women. Even if you think
you personally don’t fit the typical mold for your gender, you’re sure
to negotiate with men and women who do.
The
following sections contain four strategies for women who want men to hear them.
If you practice one of these strategies each week, you’ll quickly alter the
way others perceive you. The prerequisite is to start listening to yourself. Awareness
is the first step to any behavioral change. Accept and grow, or be left in the
dust in this hardball world of negotiating. These strategies are based on making
yourself heard in present-day negotiations in which the successful role model
has been, up to now, a no-nonsense, concise leader.
Strategy
#1: Avoid apologies Women tend to be more apologetic than men. Even assertive
women sometimes unwittingly use power-robbing devices in their speech. The words
avoid certainties; hence, the speaker avoids risks. If you have something to say,
don’t apologize for saying it. Here are the specific devices under the general
banner of apologies:
Prefacing
and Tagging Prefacing and tagging refer to those little extra words before
and after a statement: Prefacing: leading into a statement with a phrase that
weakens it. For example, “I’m not sure about this, but...” Tagging:
adding a qualifying phrase at the end of a statement. For example, “We should
take action, don’t you think?” “Don’t you think” and
“Am I right?” are typical tags.
Questioning
Tone A questioning tone is intonation that goes up a little at the end
of a sentence. This tone takes the power right out of an otherwise declarative
sentence. To the listener, the speaker sounds like she is unsure and lacks self-confidence.
What the tone communicates is, “Don’t you agree?” Or worse, “Please
agree quickly, so that I know what I just said has value.”
If
you don’t have confidence in what you say, how can you expect anybody else
to have faith in you? Listen to yourself or ask a trusted friend. If you find
that you have this damaging habit, start practicing today to get rid of it. Remember,
awareness is the first step to behavioral change, and you are now aware.
Hedges
or Qualifiers Women tend to use many little words like “kind of”
and “sort of” that rob their statements of power. If you use these phrases,
it is a habit. You can break this habit and bring more power into your speech
right now. A few examples are: “I kind of think that...” “We
probably should really...” “It seems like a fairly good way to...” “Kind
of/sort of...” “You maybe need to...” These phrases don’t
just contain extra words, they contain unsure words. Using these weak words may
make you seem weak.
Perhaps you developed these speech patterns to cover
your rear end. They are non-risktaking and may indicate that you’re reluctant
to state issues definitively. Beware of sounding indecisive and hesitant when
you want to convey certainty. You don’t need to banish these words from your
repertoire. You can use these words when you desire to hedge your bets. The point
is to have a repertoire and be able to choose the words to achieve your goals.
Nonwords
and nonphrases Nonwords are all those little extras that get plugged into
speech - those words or syllables that take the place of silence by giving you
a pause to pull together your next thought. Nonwords show up in the darndest places,
and they always slow up or divert an otherwise fine presentation.
Here
a just a few examples: Really: As in “Really, I really want this to
go forward.” Like: As in “Do you want this to go like, forward?” Um:
As in “ummmmm” or “uhhhhh” Use the silence to give power
to your statements and opinions. Practice the power of the pause in your very
next negotiation.
Strategy
#2: Be Brief For women, talk is relationships. Men use talk to exchange
information. Men and women bond differently. Men bond through competitive mind
games with their knowledge banks. They test each other with questions. “Who
pitched the last game of the World Series?” one may ask. If the other guy
knows, he gets a point. And if he doesn’t, that’s fine, too, because
now the other guy is one up. And then the other guy will have to get him back.
That’s how men bond.
Women don’t bond that way. They don’t
bond through test questions. In fact, if a woman asks another woman who pitched
the last game of the World Series in 1954, the listener may extend both arms and
say, “Do you need a hug?” And she probably would, because that behavior
isn’t normal. Women don’t bond through competition.
Women
bond through stories. You walk up to a woman you hardly know. You say, “Gee,
I love that pin. It’s beautiful.” And she says, “Thank you,”
and proceeds to tell you the story behind the pin, because there is one. Women
have a story for every piece of clothing and jewelery on their bodies. They have
a story for their haircut. Some of them have stories about their hair color. You
find something in their story you can relate to and tell her a story back. If
you have enough stories in common, you will bond. Men may arm wrestle to build
a relationship. Women talk to build a relationship.
Women
generally use more details in their conversations than men. The information you
want the male listener to hear may be lost in all the details. Watch for signs
that a male listener is glazing over and cut down on the number of words immediately.
In fact, tell men right at the start how long the story will take and stay within
the allotted time. Men feel they are responsible for the energy they allot to
a certain activity. So they feel they need to “set their energy clocks,”
so they don’t run out of energy. Running out of energy makes them feel out
of control - a feeling they hate.
Strategy
#3: Be Direct - don’t hint Make sure that you are direct - even to
the point of spelling something out. Men, more so than women, require clear messages
as well as brief ones
Strategy
#4: Avoid emotional displays Crying or other emotional displays in a negotiation
can be more distracting than a low-cut dress. It can be just as ruinous to a woman’s
position in a negotiation. Men have been socialized to be less emotionally demonstrative.
In fact, men have probably gone too far in the other direction, but that’s
another discussion. Women have not been socialized in the same way as men. In
fact, women cry four times more frequently than men, according to a Minnesota-based
study.
The
place that start curtailing emotional displays is on the job. The crying person
seems to demand a sympathetic response from the listener. Someone who is sobbing
also signals to the listener and observers that, for the moment at least, this
person is not capable of handling a situation. Crying also annoys and angers people
who have shut off their own feeling. If they don’t want to deal with their
own feelings, they don’t want to deal with anyone else’s. Men may feel
a woman who cries is being manipulative.
If
you feel a cry coming on, excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, cry your eyes out,
take a deep breath, and go back to the meeting without risking that particular
mistake. If you are prone to crying, be sure you carry eyedrops to remove the
redness from your eyes.
- Jones, A. & Schechter, S. (1992). When Love Goes Wrong. Harper Collins Publishers.
Sexual Assault in Abusive Relationships
- Lauren, T. R., & Gaskin-Laniyan, N. (n.d.). Sexual Assault in Abusive Relationships. NIJ Journal, (256), 12-14. Retrieved from https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/jr000256d.pdf
Update Exploring Jordanian women's resistance strategies to domestic violence:
A scoping review
- Alsawalqa, R. O., Alrawashdeh, M. N., Sa'deh, Y. A. R., & Abuanzeh, A. (2022). Exploring Jordanian women's resistance strategies to domestic violence: A scoping review. Frontiers in sociology, 7, 1026408. https://doi.org/10.3389/fsoc.2022.1026408
Peer-Reviewed Journal Article References:
Liebers, N. (2021). Unfulfilled romantic needs: Effects of relationship status, presence of romantic partners, and relationship satisfaction on romantic parasocial phenomena. Psychology of Popular Media. Advance online publication.
Stewart, V. T., & Clayton, R. B. (2021). Achieving the ideal-self while harming my relationship: Examining associations between self-discrepancy, instagram photo manipulation, and romantic relationship outcomes. Psychology of Popular Media. Advance online publication.
West, S. J., Lasko, E. N., Hall, C. J., Khan, N. G., & Chester, D. S. (2021). Some revenge now or more revenge later? Applying an intertemporal framework to retaliatory aggression. Motivation Science. Advance online publication.
QUESTION 13
What kinds of speech patterns do some clients use that result in
loss of power? To select and enter your answer go to Test.